The Infinity Project

I met my younger self for coffee yesterday. She declined because she doesn’t drink coffee and the social setting made her anxious, so we met in the Lowes parking lot instead. Tears streamed down her face, she knew she was disappointing me. She wanted nothing more than to go into Starbucks but the anxiety was too much, she couldn’t get out of the car, seeing as it was too debilitating to set foot outside where she had parked. So without hesitation I got into her little messy Pontiac and welcomed the change of plans, knowing the only plans I wanted were to be with her. 

Guilt and shame struck her as she couldn’t handle the fact she may have caused me any other emotion aside from joy. She doesn’t want to be seen like this and she is terrified she will ruin my mood, and that I’ll never want to see her ever again because of what a downer she is. I sat quietly, pulled out my phone and doordashed us something to eat. She was so impressed that we have an app that can bring us literally anything we want. (Just wait until I tell her about Amazon Prime.) A bag of kettle cooked chips for her, and who am I kidding, a bag of kettle cooked chips for me too, specifically the brown bag with ripples… it’s a timeless classic on our end.

I knew that there was nothing I could say that would make her believe how worthy she is, since she has a hard time accepting anything but criticism. But I leaned into it. “I’ve been there before” I said, “quite literally I may add.. you sit in this parking lot crying because home is too unsafe and to go be social is debilitating, so we alternate between the gas station parking lot, Lowes and the one time, a parking garage on campus…” she laughed as I continued, “yes, that wasn’t a great option, lol.” 

She was once again disappointed in herself because while it was her telling this story, she felt like she had let yet another person down. Just this time, it was future her, which didn’t make her feel any better about it.

“It’s like a brick wall, talking to you I stated. The hurt and pain that lie behind those eyes and that “everything is great” smile. It’s okay to be in pain, sweet girl. It’s okay that you feel behind. It’s okay that you let people down. What’s not okay is the way that you are viewing and speaking to yourself right now. The way that you feel like you’re in charge of everyone’s happiness, which leaves you with anything but..”

The tears just kept rolling.

We sat there in silence a lot, well, not complete silence… listening to music and talking some, but it was mainly me speaking. She can shoot the breeze really well but ask her to talk emotions and she’s as good as gone. In fact, we were both surprised that she was crying in front of someone else. Enjoying each others company as we just existed together in the same car. 

We sat there until early morning, two or three AM before we called it a night. I invited her back to my place but she knew she would be okay going home since it’s so late she would avoid the family, and it’s safer to go now than to not go at all. 

Sad to see her go and drive away, I remembered I’d see her again. Maybe we can even meet up when she isn’t afraid to get out of the car anymore. I should’ve told her that against her belief, that day will come.