The Infinity Project

A 730 DAY LESSON

I’m not going to lie. I had a perfect vision in my brain about how I was going to post about my two year anniversary of being baptized. I was going to take a picture in my new shirt this past weekend and make it real artsy with a cool background, & have two balloons for props, signifying two years of rebirth. Along with that I was going to write this encouraging post about my baptism moment,

this past years lessons and how I decided to celebrate two years of that dedication.

But that picture didn’t happen. The day I planned to get the balloons, which were obviously vital for the aesthetic, I felt too bad about burdening my friends to go get them with me. And within that same timeframe a ketchup bottle exploded all over my brand new shirt. and so naturally I almost cried in the restaurant in front of friends I’d only known for a short number of days because of the ketchup massacre 2k19 that had just taken place.


So I decided the next day I’d plan another picture. It wouldn’t be as cute, but it was going to get the job done. It was going to be somewhere gorgeous and I was going to look so happy and healthy and full of life with nothing but sunshine & Jesus at my core. 


but then I stumbled. I withdrew myself a variety of times that day. I lost focus on my whole day, and lost any & all sense of clarity for the mission I was on. & so I prayed. & prayed again. & I told myself that what was happening in my brain was the devil lying to me trying to distract me from my God given purpose.


so my inner voice said, “Kristin, are you really gonna let him win? over all the people you have the chance of impacting today? you’re gonna let this take over?”


and as hard as I tried… yes, it still won. it still took over my day. my entire day. and when I say entire, I fully mean it.


so I didn’t even post this the day of, it’s actually 7 days later. Because I was distracted. And upset. And ashamed.


But since these are my real days, and what actually happens in Kristinland. And days like these happen far more often than not. I decided I’d embrace it. and after I’d embraced it, I’d fight it. I’d reach out for help, and let people be here for me, even after I feel like I had ruined everyone’s day around me. 


And even though days like these happen so often, each day I still ask the same selfish, frustrating series of questions. like,


“why isn’t this gone yet?”

“God, why aren’t you taking this.”

“why am I not past this by now?”

“I’m in the safest community I’ve ever been a part of. & I’m asking for help. I’m the best Kristin I’ve ever been. I go to therapy. I eat healthy. (I’m a vegan for crying out loud (it’s a competition, but still, a VEGAN)). If diet has anything to do with this mental health thing, than I’ve got a faulty batch. because I’m STILL sad, and I’m not motivated to garden like that vegan gal who beat depression by a beet juice based diet & writes on her blog about the purple carrots she grew and turned into oatmeal to cure her anxious chinchilla. I’m STILL sick. And I’m working HARD, God. I’m being vulnerable and showing up when I’d do anything to just stay in bed all day. I’ve grown so much.

So God, why am I still hurting?

why am I so confused?

why am I still not the best version of Kristin Leigh Kirby I can be?”


“God, don’t you know I can inspire people? Don’t you know I can help them? I can spread so much joy, right? I can smile at the girl in Chic Fil A that is having the roughest day ever. I can start that elevator conversation that brightens someone’s day. I can make sure I am there for my friends. I can be a friend. God, I could be the BEST friend ever. I could do SO. MANY. THINGS. I could serve more. I could run more. I could be more authentic with my community. I could be so good at my job. All if you’d just take this away.”


so again, God. “why do I still hurt?” 




And then after the many tears I heard Him say,


“you can still do all those things, Kristin. even in the darkness. and actually, you have for the last two years, & all the many years before those. ”


& in the self reflection He began in me I realized. In two years, since 2017, He’s given me a community that has absolutely changed the trajectory of my life. People who love and care for me so much, and so well, all while knowing my brokenness.


He’s healed me dramatically.


He flew me across the country.


He gave me an internship.


& then a full time job within 3 months.


a new state. a new world. a new testimony.


He’s given me every single thing I’ve ever needed. He’s saved me. He sent people to help save me. And He’s given me the confidence to share about it ALL.

He’s renewed my life. 


All in just 2 years. The absolute darkest days of my life, He did all those things. Because His work and mission is being done even in the darkness. Because that’s how it spreads.


I’ve been at the lowest and continue to come out on top in order to show and bring other people out with me. Even on the days where I cry in the shower and eat Oreos for dinner, I can still bring people with me. It doesn’t mean I don’t struggle, it means I now don’t have to struggle alone.  


And so today, I’m here to say it wasn’t easy, nor do I think it ever will be. And so I’m not going act like it was and have that be the show I put on and what I portray to my people. There’s no reason to hide it anymore.


it’s vulnerable. it’s real. & it’s what people don’t talk about enough. 


so here’s to the next 365 days of being baptized. may it be as broken, as healing, and as beautifully hard as it was within these last two rounds.


they say the 3rd time’s the charm, right?