The Infinity Project

I flew 2,786 miles away on a 3 month contract

The night before my flight, I stood in my friends driveway staring at the moon. Barefoot, in the dark on a neighborhood street, I looked around and said to myself slowly, “this is the journey”. I had just driven from Lynchburg, VA to Charlotte, NC in order to catch an early flight the next day headed to Portland, OR when I’d leave my entire life behind and move into whatever was next. 

If we’re getting personal, my life was pretty devastating if you would have asked me back in early 2018. I was not in a good place mentally or emotionally. I was exhausted, and oh so tired of fighting what seemed to be a never ending battle. After counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, medications, & a slew of misdiagnosis, etc. I was done. You can only take those appointments so many times before you bust. Nothing was working, and everyone was against me it seemed. I didn’t meet the requirements for how my generation was supposed to end up. I never was the prettiest, or skinniest. I didn’t graduate on time, I mean, I couldn’t even pass a class on time, much less graduate. I didn’t have any serious relationships, and I sure as heck wasn’t engaged or announcing a pregnancy. So why would I feel at ease in life when all society is telling you is to keep up? 

It’s hard. But I knew I was created for something. I knew that the past few years and my whole childhood before was for a purpose. But what was that purpose? To live in lynchburg the rest of my life and just scrape by? No, it can’t be. So I prayed. & prayed. & prayed. I dedicated my words and lived by Isaiah 6:8, “Here I am Lord. Send me.”

So that’s what I told the Lord every night.

Send ME. I don’t care where we go, let’s just go. I don’t care what state it is. Just send me. Tell me to go and I’ll do it, God. I will.

& after what seemed like months of that prayer, the Lord answered. 

Go to Washington Kristin. Go work at Black Diamond Camps. 

To which I said, “Eh, I’m okay. That’s pretty far away, you know”

And the Lord said, “Kristin, you said anywhere. Now Go.”

So I did. With just a few dollars in my bank account and my home divided between totes, suitcases, or dumpsters, I hopped aboard a plane. 

The day I left Lynchburg I was wearing a grey Africa shirt, and nike shorts. I ate chicken minis with my friend, and of course drank sweet tea (although looking back I definitely should’ve cherished it more not knowing what the tea was like in Washington). Anywho, I wasn’t in the best mindset. I remember being out of it during breakfast, and ready to leave and start over. I was obviously following the Lord to Washington, but was as distant as ever both spiritually and physically. After that goodbye breakfast I had my last counseling appointment with Mary. & if you don’t know, Mary’s the homegirl that changed my life and kept me on her schedule for two years, when the standard was to keep students for around 6 weeks or so. It was more of a “bye” rather than a session. The Lord used her and that office to help me fight so many battles in that room during those seasons. She kept me alive. She grew me. She believed in me. So I bought her a gift and we just sat there and talked for three hours. THREE. It was just the right amount of closure that I didn’t know I needed. I’ll never forget walking out of that office for the last time, hugging her and hearing her say, “I love you Kristin” as I walked out, turned around and replied with a, “love ya”, and walked down that hallway towards my car for the last time. 

Leaving Mary. The only consistency I’d had to cling to within the past few years. That’s when I KNEW I was leaving. That’s when it hit.

Going back to the house, an empty room with a lopsided bed frame that I had since kindergarten, the mattress given away, and the dresser I’d given to my big brother. That’s what was left in my bedroom. I even sold my 2006 Pontiac G6 that I had spent paycheck after paycheck over the course of my early adult years. And when I paid it off, I was so proud. It paid for itself from that moment on. Carleigh had over 155,000 miles on her, tons of memories, gallons of spilt oil and I’m sure some stale french fries within the seats. But now, she was gone. Sold. On Craigslist for not even a fourth of what I paid. She was a good one. I even slept in that baby during a season, mile after mile driven, now gone. The moment I sold her was another moment where I knew I wasn’t coming back. It sold so easy, and so quick. I knew it was a sign from the Lord that I didn’t need it anymore. 

So what did I have left? No room, no car, no real home to come back to. I had my suitcases, and a one way ticket. That’s what I had. The first one way ticket I’d ever purchased. I always get round trips, but I knew this was different. I had no final destination. I literally left my entire life, and flew across the country on the three month contract that ended in September with no return flight. 

Dumpster trip after dumpster trip within the past few months to weed out my life I was so clearly leaving behind. Bags, boxes, desks, mirrors, you name it, I chucked it. I chucked with ease at that. I guess maybe I should’ve been a bit more scared in the big frame of things, but I’m sure it was there, just ever so nicely boiled within the normal depression I lived with. I condensed 24 years into 5 totes, and 3 suitcases. The totes in a friends basement, and the small, medium and large suitcases all with matching polka dots that boarded with me on American Airlines flight 853. 

Honestly, I didn’t really have too many people on my side either. “Why in the hell don’t you just work at a camp in Virginia so you wouldn’t be so damn far.” “We love you, but can you find somewhere else to live when you get home from camp.” “Really? You’re just going to go to Washington?, are you sure?”

But I still left. I still followed the Lord. 

If we’re honest, I don’t remember how I felt on the plane, because for the next 10 days after I would  land, I was planning on spending time with some friends in Oregon who’ve turned into family before going to camp. Anxiety was there, but so was home.

And then it came, June 3rd, 2018. Amber, my big sister, drove me to camp on a four hour drive and boy was I anxious. Especially anxious when we got closer and she wouldn’t stop dancing trying to embarrass me while turning onto Auburn Black Diamond Road. I was terrified. There I was.. At camp pretty much. I was in Washington state, 2,786 miles away from the only home I’d known for the last 24 years, realizing that there was no going back now. I knew nothing about this camp except for the girl who did my interview, but I had literally given everything away to be here. 

Okay God, let’s go. 

So we pulled up to the gate and I said,

“Hi, I’m Kristin.” like the biggest idiot ever.

& so with anxiety, depression, and the lack of emotional regulation…

Through the camp gate we went.