The Infinity Project

but… didn’t you ask for it?

an open letter to the adult woman that wants nothing more than to be a daddy’s girl

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Dear Friend,

You never got your chance at being the princess in your house did you? & so you had to come to terms with that. And tell yourself that not maybe not everyone is as lucky as your best friend was. 

You always believed yourself to be less than those around you. And that your family would be okay if you were okay, didn’t you. 

Well, you believed that up until you grew up and realized that this type of abuse isn’t normal. But by that time, it was too late.

So you stay up at night wondering what went so wrong. What did you do, or what didn’t you do, that made you, the baby girl, not good enough… 

You wonder what it would be like if you would have been skinnier.. After all, you knew that it upset him you were overweight, but I guess he didn’t know that was due to the abuse and your lack of coping skills as a 6 year old girl. 

What if you would’ve been everything he wanted in a daughter.  

What if, in his eyes, you were greater than the alcohol that tore the family dynamic to shreds. 

What if you’re the reason the family was destroyed, because you just weren’t able to be the saving grace everyone wanted you to be.

But if we’re honest with ourselves, that’s a lot of pressure to expect a 6 year old to save their adult family. I mean, aren’t fathers supposed to save their children? But to make it all okay, you learned from a very young age to be able to suppress all of your personal, growing and changing emotions and be the okay one in the family. 

Your unspoken job was to make the sad joyful again, and to reconcile, even before you knew what that word meant. 

But it’s even harder when you’re such an emotional empathic soul, right? Due to the fact that you take on everyone’s thoughts actions and feelings as your own, feel everyone’s emotions, and you’re unable to separate them… so you have to put them in the forefront of your day and make sure you make your family feel better. Because if they feel better, your day won’t be quite as scary. 

If you don’t relate to what I’m saying, let’s put it this way: It’s similar to the pressure that Smokey Bear puts on us.. Smokey tells us that “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.” You know what I’m saying? But instead, it turns into “only YOU can save your family and make this generation different than the last.” 

And the thing that’s so incredibly hard to understand is that it isn’t your fault that you’re in this mess. When you grow up in a home environment that is tense and scary, it becomes your sense of normalcy. because I mean come on, you’re only 6, right. You believe everyone’s home is like this.

You believe that all children are afraid of their fathers. 

You believe that all of them get refusal when they ask to call their mom because you’re just so miserable on dad’s visitation night. 

You believe that you’re not more important than the alcohol. 

You answer the phone knowing it’s your mom because you recognize the ten digit number, but the caller ID says “psycho bitch”, and it makes you question.

But isn’t that normal? All phones must be programmed that way… right? 

I mean, didn’t you ask for it.. 

You could have been better. 

You could have steered clear of acting out that one time that pissed him off. 

You could’ve made your family everything they were supposed to be. 

You could’ve sat down on the furniture correctly instead of getting yelled at…Even at age 26 I remember lowering myself onto every piece of furniture we owned precisely and nicely to avoid getting in trouble. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong before, but something in the way I sat made him mad, so I avoided the blow up at all costs. Even if that meant psychologically demeaning myself at age 9 all because I wanted to sit on the couch. 

But didn’t you ask for it? 

When you were the overweight daughter that was always being told to go on diets by the person who was supposed to uplift you the most. 

When you wouldn’t listen to basic instructions as a four year old who had a hard day so you hide behind your mother’s leg because you couldn’t stay safe enough anywhere else. And you can still vividly remember the scene 22 years later. And it haunts you. 

Didn’t you ask for it when you were so afraid of getting in trouble at school you were the shy kid, but your personality doubles as anything but quiet.

Didn’t you ask to be put through hell due to your childish ways of coping and crying and screaming when you had to go anywhere without your mom, because she was your safety and comfort, even if that meant every weekend you had to spend with him started in hidden tears? Because let’s be real.. the weekend didn’t need to start by making him mad becaue you were crying. 

Didn’t you ask to be emotionally abused for the rest of the night when you were crying about not being able to see your grandmother? Because in reality that meant you had to stay with him for an extra 16 hours… and you were scared of that.

Didn’t you ask for it when you coped with all of the tension by eating. And gaining more weight you know he hated.

Didn’t you ask for it when you weren’t happy at his house because nobody played with you.

Didn’t you ask for it each time you fantasized about telling him off upon your leaving and never coming back? But 11 year olds don’t have that many guts.. Or at least you didn’t. 

So you sit here today in a therapy chair across from a stranger trying to unpack and rewire your brain that still tells you you’re not good enough. And you are in constant battle with yourself as to why you’re like this. 

Why can’t you emotionally regulate like all the other people in your life. 

Why do you get triggered by the dumbest of things in a subway gas station? 

Why do you lack the skills to be an adult and to make headway in your life, job, and community. But it’s all because of what you didn’t receive. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. But you still blame it on yourself. Because… didn’t you ask for it. 

So day in and day out you have to constantly talk to yourself, and not in a bad way like you’re used to, but in a way that says you’re a queen, AND a princess. 

You are brave. 

You made it out alive and you will one day believe you’re stronger because of it. 

You are loved. Even if the one who was supposed to adore you the most didn’t, you’ll find the ones who adore you, even when they aren’t blood related.

You are kind. 

And you are capable of fighting whatever comes your way. 

You can set up healthy boundaries even if that means your family hates you and speaks poorly about you at family gatherings. 

You are different. And that’s okay. 

And before anyone tells you, no. No you didn’t ask for it. 

You were 6. He was your father. And you deserved better. 

But just remember: you were created to struggle, survive, and prove to other that it can

be done. And you will succeed at changing lives around you even when you couldn’t change your own… after all, who says you can’t make yourself a princess at age 26?